


I Like Me Better

by candysams



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Garden of Light spoilers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mild Angst, Songfic, a couple minor characters appear, ash and eiji love each other full stop, rated T for light underage drinking and refs to Ashs past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-23 15:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17685689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candysams/pseuds/candysams
Summary: “One day, when this is all over,” Ash’s voice was low and gravelly from sleep, and he vaguely remembered a small amount of alcohol consumption at the window the night before, “you’ll go back to Japan. And you’ll take me with you.” He wiggled his way onto his side, facing Eiji’s sleeping face with an arm tucked under his head. His other hand shifted up until it was wedged between their chests, able to feel the steady rhythm of Eiji’s heartbeat under his fingertips. “Right here. I’ll always be right here, with you.”Ash and Eiji solve the mystery behind Banana Fish and fall in love at the same time.





	1. New York City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Months ago, I was inspired by [Ser's art](http://luftballons99.tumblr.com/post/178800065516/to-be-young-and-in-love-in-new-york-city) to create a songfic using the same [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7fzkqLozwA), so here it is! I thought February, my birth month and the month w/ Valentine's day, would be a great time to post it! It's 90% asheiji fluff and 10% something else....later....

_To be young and in love in New York City // To be drunk and in love in New York City_

They say the city never sleeps, but neither does Ash Lynx.

He came to the city as a lost boy and chose to make his mark on the streets rather than fade into the crowd. The city is his backyard, his playground, the place he chose to make his home through hell or high water. It houses his greatest nightmares and his happiest of times: Chang Dai shelters Nadia Wong in the middle of Chinatown, Dino Golzine’s restaurant sits along the river, Griffin was fatally shot in Dr. Meredith’s office, and Ash met Eiji in a rundown bar in the Lower East Side. Cape Cod was pretty—picturesque—but it was its own kind of drowning hell that asphyxiated Ash in his sleep. The city was big and bold, filled with room to breathe, and it never slept.

Fitting, for Ash Lynx.

The city beat him up and spit him out time and time again, but Ash never tucked his tail and ran away. He licked his wounds and came back time and time again, guns blazing, until the city purred under his touch. He owned the streets, he knew them like the back of his hand, had them etched into his mind, made them the only home he knew after his brother. Even when the city stole Griffin away, Ash held it in a chokehold at arm’s length and refused to let go.

It was all he had left to hold on to.

Eiji liked the city as well. It was busy, bustling, full of bright lights and sounds and lives. It was completely different from the small town he grew up in; the small town with its stifling quiet existence and father’s worsening illness and a constant string of second places that he couldn’t escape from.

Here, in New York City, he was already first in one man’s eyes.

Still, Eiji didn’t always like the city. Sometimes it was too loud, the mustard on his hot dog was too spicy, the subway was too crowded, or the language was too fast-paced for him to understand. Sometimes he felt like he was adrift at sea with no destination. Sometimes he really was lost, but Ash was always there with his unrelenting love-hate relationship with the city that created him. He’d pull Eiji to shore, or drift away with him.

Some days, Eiji hated the city. It was cruel and dirty, always taking and taking from Ash—taking _him_ from Ash. But then he would see the way the city framed Ash, its neon lights striping colors across his pale hair and reflecting their mischief in his eyes or the golden light of dawn streaming in through the window and coating Ash’s silhouette like a halo, and all was forgiven.

“Have a drink with me, Eiji.” Ash’s voice pulled Eiji from his thoughts. He sat by their window, back to the glass, a lukewarm beer can in his hand. The lines on his face were stern, carving thin grooves into pale skin and aging Ash by ten years. It had been a rough week, and there were no signs of it getting better anytime soon.

Eiji sighed, getting up from his bed to stand in front of Ash. “I wish you would tell me more, Ash.” Eiji sighed quietly. Their knees gently bumped together as Eiji stole the can from Ash’s hand and took a tentative sip. _Disgusting_.

He took another.

“The city looks very pretty from here.” Eiji remarked when Ash said nothing, settling himself snuggly in between Ash’s legs and looking over his blond hair to the buildings making up the backdrop. It was too dark for him to see much, but his eyes traced the flashing bright lights and the story they told, mesmerized.

He caught Ash staring at him, a new beer in his hand and an indecipherable look on his face.

“You can’t see how dirty the streets are from this height.” Ash snorted, turning his head to gulp down half of his beer in one swig. Despite his pessimistic tone, Ash wrapped one arm around Eiji’s waist, a firm weight that settled in the curve of his spine, and pulled him closer. “It’s the rich bastards that get to live in the penthouses of these buildings. Height is equivalent to wealth, and you can’t see the filth on the streets when you’re thirty stories up. Makes it easy to forget about the rest of us.”

“We are high up.” Eiji teased, boldly taking a larger sip from his drink. It was bitter and carbonated, but he found American tastes to be stranger than Japanese, even before considering alcohol. He hadn’t tasted much alcohol before leaving Japan, but he was sure he would like it more than he liked his current drink.

The company, however, could not be beat.

“We are rich.” Ash slowly replied. “With stolen,  _dirty_  money. Does that make it extra dirty, or do they cancel out?” He mused, fingers tracing circles over Eiji’s spine. He looked up at Eiji, head tilted to the side, as if he truly wanted to know what Eiji thought about it. As if he expected Eiji to call it for what it was and spit in his face.

“We are rich; in  _love_.” Eiji countered. The fingers of his free hand brushed against Ash’s cheek and up to his brow, smoothing the harsh lines that had formed. Ash shivered at his touch, eyes fluttering shut for a second. “The streets may be dirty, but they are yours. You should be proud of them. You should be proud of _yourself_.”

“The city is mine.” Ash whispered in agreement, looking up at Eiji with a small smile, soft and warm, a rare expression to accompany his sharp beauty.

“You won them over.” Eiji tilted his head towards the door, where a couple of Ash’s gang members were undoubtedly sprawled across the living room, recovering from a hard night’s work and oblivious to the heart-to-heart talk happening inside the bedroom. None of them had ever questioned why their boss would share a bedroom with a stranger, why they stayed in a penthouse instead of the slums, why they should lay their life down to protect a newcomer who had risen through their ranks in a different way than by skill and loyalty. “They chose to accept you as their leader.”

Maybe they already knew. Maybe they were one step ahead of them both.

“And you?” Ash boldly asked. Ash was always bold, with his words and with his gun, but never with his feelings. Eiji could smell a touch of alcohol on his breath, the decisive factor in Ash’s sentimentality tonight. It seemed to chase the emotions in his brain until they burst through the filter and escaped with his words, mingling in the small space between them. He might regret it later, but Eiji wouldn’t.

Maybe alcohol would make Ash _listen_.

Even Ash Lynx needed a break, a shoulder to cry on, a good meal and a long rest. It amazed Eiji how far he could go, how far he pushed himself before he cracked. And then he would pick up his pieces and move on, as if it never happened. Eiji briefly wondered if he was seeing a fractured Ash right now, one strong gust of wind away from turning into dust.

“You never had to win me over.” Eiji confidently whispered. He moved his hand into Ash’s hair, brushing through the soft blond locks and gently detangling the snarls he came across. Ash melted into his touch, green eyes softening and drooping closed as he leaned into the touch. Eiji felt more than saw the tension leave his shoulders, the arm around his waist going slack and sinking lower.

Ash let his head fall forward, forehead pressed against the hard plane of Eiji’s stomach and face buried in the soft fabric of the souvenir shirt Eiji had bought from a sidewalk merchant. Eiji invited him into his space, resting his free hand on top of Ash’s hair. If he couldn’t fight, if he couldn’t protect Ash, he could offer him a brief respite from the rest of the world.

All the love in the world to make up for what he had lost, and then some.

Their drinks were mostly forgotten, sitting empty on the windowsill next to them, but the haze seemed to clear Ash’s mind from whatever funk he had entered. He found a small patch of exposed skin, where the hem of Eiji’s shirt bunched up and didn’t quite meet the waistband of his sweatpants, and placed a kiss on the softening muscle in thanks.

“You’re warm, Eiji.” Ash’s voice was low and gentle, as if he were trying to lull the standing Eiji into sleep—or about to fall asleep himself. He mindlessly wrapped both arms around Eiji’s waist, just holding him close. Eiji returned the hug, keeping one hand on the back of Ash’s head as if he could hide and protect Ash from the dangerous city on the other side of the window behind him.

“You are too, Ash.” Eiji felt Ash’s hands travel up the back of his shirt, tensing only slightly at the difference in temperature. “Warmer than you know.” Eiji was sure his cheeks were bright pink by now, and his skin was probably hot to the touch, but Ash was too lost in his mental fog to notice, let alone take the time to tease him about it.

Instead, he hummed contentedly and nuzzled against Eiji’s ribs, further pressing his own warm cheeks against Eiji like he was trying to hide from something. “You’re warm, like the morning sun on my face after I’ve woken up.” He mumbled, voice muffled by Eiji’s shirt. “You’re warm like dawn.”

His voice was slurred with sleep and beer, but his words made Eiji’s heart soar.

 

* * *

 

  _Waking up in this bed next to you swear the room, yeah, it got no ceiling_

Ash’s sleep schedule could be unpredictable.

On one hand, he was roaming the city late at night with his gang and coming home to Eiji early in the morning, only to sleep well into the afternoon. On the other hand, he was accompanying Eiji through dinner and curled up in the bed next to him at night, only to wake up at the crack of dawn and sit in the window while the sun rose on his face.

The deep sleeper he was, Ash needed those few quiet moments at dawn when the warm light would bathe his face and jumpstart his brain, the city still operating at a low hum around him before jerking awake as the first commuters began their journey to work. He needed those precious moments to himself, ensuring he would wake in the land of the living instead of perishing in his most vulnerable state.

Sleep had always been Ash’s greatest weakness. All the strength and strategy in the world was useless if there wasn’t enough energy to back it up, as much as Ash hated to admit it. His body, however, craved sleep, and being woken up from the rest he so desperately needed made him extremely temperamental and a little forgetful. If he were a lesser leader, his gang might have revolted against him for everything he had done in retaliation to his own forgotten orders.

A heavy weight on the bed next to him shifted, warmth pressing closer against his side, and Ash knew that his greatest weakness was no longer sleep.

It was Eiji Okumura.

Ash had never feared death, he had even wished for it in his lowest moments, but he would fight the grim reaper for one more hour with Eiji.

It was warm next to Eiji, despite both of them lying on top of the blanket instead of under it. This type of warmth felt better than the morning sun on his face; Eiji’s warmth wrapped around his heart and made him feel hot and fuzzy and whole. The missing piece to his puzzle. He knew Eiji felt the same, and it only kindled the warmth inside him into a flame.

Eiji turned to face him, eyes closed and lips parted slightly. There was nothing left for them to hide from each other. Eiji had seen the ugly behind Ash’s mask and thrown the mask away as if it were an old newspaper.

They were free.  _Ash_  was free.

“One day, when this is all over,” Ash’s voice was low and gravelly from sleep, and he vaguely remembered a small amount of alcohol consumption at the window the night before, “you’ll go back to Japan. And you’ll take me with you.” He wiggled his way onto his side, facing Eiji’s sleeping face with an arm tucked under his head. His other hand shifted up until it was wedged between their chests, able to feel the steady rhythm of Eiji’s heartbeat under his fingertips. “Right here. I’ll always be right here, with you.”

Ash almost missed the fluttering of Eiji’s eyelashes as he woke up, mouth stretching wide in a yawn. His gaze fell directly to Ash’s hand, lightly brushing the thin fabric of his shirt. “What?” Eiji sleepily hummed, batting Ash’s hand away lightly. “Did I drool?” His hand fell slack over Ash’s, fingers tangled together in consequence. Ash didn’t bother moving, waiting for Eiji’s brain to wake up enough to translate whatever Eiji was thinking into English.

It didn’t happen. Eiji closed his eyes again and snuggled even closer, perfectly content with keeping his brain muddled and sleepy.

“ _Ohayo_ , Ash.” Eiji mumbled, voice muffled by the collar of Ash’s shirt.

“Good morning, Eiji.” Ash softly replied. He felt Eiji’s fingers twitch around his until their hands were fully linked together and resting in the space between them.

“Five more minutes.” Eiji peaked one eye open, looking for Ash’s reaction as he mimicked what Ash would say if he were being woken up.

Ash merely chuckled, squeezing Eiji’s hand lightly. “Anything for you, Eiji.” He pleasantly replied, taking in a breath and tensing up before shoving Eiji unceremoniously off the side of the bed.

If Eiji had been any closer, Ash thought his heart might have exploded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check back for a new chapter next week ^.^  
> And don't be afraid to comment what you liked about it! You can also reach me on [tumblr](https://candysams.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/candysamstwit).


	2. Morning Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s about time!” Ash didn’t seem to care that the others were asleep, yelling out of his window when he spotted Eiji in the side mirror. Eiji could tell he wasn’t as annoyed as he was impatient. Ash had been on edge ever since they left Cape Cod and Eiji hadn’t yet figured out how to approach the subject to ease the tension growing within the group. Ash had one single-minded goal right now: get to California and solve the mystery of Banana Fish. Nothing else mattered to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It can only go up from here, right?  
> (right???)

_Midnight into morning coffee, burning through the hours talking_

Eiji jerked awake when the fabric enclosing the back of the truck was roughly yanked open, the metal buckle holding the fabric in place jingling against the truck bed. Shorter stood in the opening, bathed in moonlight, eyes half closed as he tumbled into the back of the truck.

“Eiji...” Shorter managed to arrange himself flat across the width of the trunk, rolling a couple feet until he occupied the space next to Eiji. “Ash kicked me out...something about snoring too loudly...”

“You do snore very loudly.” Eiji agreed with a yawn, rubbing his eyes and waiting for them to adjust to the light. He couldn’t see very well in the shadows of the truck, but Shorter’s face was close enough for him to recognize the sight of closed eyes lacking their usual cover of sunglasses.

“Ash wants company that will stay awake...” Shorter grumbled, not sounding the least bit upset at being kicked out of the cab as he buried his face in the sweatshirt pillow abandoned by Eiji and promptly passed out.

Eiji looked to his right, where Max and Ibe were still sound asleep, then down at Shorter, who was letting out quiet snorts already. He resigned himself to his fate, crawling over Shorter’s limp body and jumping out of the truck. “Guess it was going to be my turn eventually.” He mumbled, fiddling with the fabric of the covering and hoping he had secured it well enough for the rest of their trip.

“It’s about time!” Ash didn’t seem to care that the others were asleep, yelling out of his window when he spotted Eiji in the side mirror. Eiji could tell he wasn’t as annoyed as he was impatient. Ash had been on edge ever since they left Cape Cod and Eiji hadn’t yet figured out how to approach the subject to ease the tension growing within the group. Ash had one single-minded goal right now: get to California and solve the mystery of Banana Fish. Nothing else mattered to him.

Eiji had once had a goal that he had pursued with the same ferocious drive that Ash did, so he knew what it felt like for the goal to be just out of reach, the frustration that nagged at you every time you were reminded of _what could have been_. Like Ash, Eiji had also ran away when things went awry.

Either way, they traveled faster at night when the roads were clear and Max wasn’t attempting and failing to read the road atlas they had bought at a gas station in New Jersey.

“Sorry, Shorter was not very clear.” Eiji apologized, climbing into the passenger’s seat and clicking his seat belt into place. The front cab still smelled like Cape Cod, the salty smell of the air permeating the pores of the fabric seats and lingering as they drove. Eiji liked the smell, it reminded him of the ocean—and of the beauty of small-town Cape Cod.

Since Ash had insisted on staying in the cab for the last thirty-six hours, it would explain why he was so… _on edge_.

“You don’t have to apologize, Eiji.” Ash seemed to realize he was being a little unfair, his superficial annoyance evaporating from his tone as he pulled back onto the main road. Eiji was beginning to notice how expressive Ash could be in the smallest of ways. The twitch of his brow, the quirk of his lip, it was starting to create a bigger picture in Eiji’s head. Ash had a full deck of emotions hidden in his hand, more than just anger and smugness, and he needed to be free to deal them. “Shorter isn’t the most articulate when he’s tired. He stayed up with me last night too.”

“He cannot sleep well during the day.” Eiji recalled. During the day, while Max drove, Shorter had stayed up in the back, playing with his knife or cracking jokes to keep himself awake. Even with the truck bed covered to provide an artificial night, he couldn’t seem to settle without someone else watching.

“He thinks we’re in more danger during the day then we are at night.” Ash explained. “He used to do most of his Chinatown business during the day, since he had full reign over the territory, so he’s never been much of a night owl anyway. He sleeps like the dead too, that’s why I sent him back there before he passed out completely.”

“He can sleep a long time now.” Eiji mused, glancing at the clock. Just four minutes until midnight. “You should sleep too, after this.”

“I’m okay.” Ash’s voice was tight, his response curt. He kept his green eyes focused on the road, the dashed white lines passing in unfocused blinks. Eiji watched his grip tighten on the steering wheel, like he wanted it to be under his control as much as possible.

“You have not slept since we left.” Eiji pointed out. His teeth instinctively bit his lower lip when he saw Ash’s shoulders tense up, like he preparing to turn the other way and give Eiji the silent treatment. Eiji decided it was worth it if it meant Ash didn’t fall asleep at the wheel and kill them both. “It is not safe to drive like this.”

“I’m  _fine_.” Ash insisted through gritted teeth _._

“I will stay up with you, Ash.” Eiji decided to drop the argument, recognizing that Ash was prepared to draw into himself as if Eiji weren’t even there. Ash would not relent on this, despite the glassiness in his gaze and an unpredictable temper caused by his lack of sleep since leaving Cape Cod. “And when Max starts driving, I will watch you sleep.”

“You’ll what?” Ash finally broke his gaze from the road, giving Eiji a bewildered look framed with a dusting of pink on his usually-pale cheeks. At least the blush proved he was still alive under his paler-than-normal complexion.

“I will watch you like you watch me.” Eiji replied. He drew his knees to his chest with a smile on his face, relaxing in the worn-down fabric of the passenger’s seat. “You do not sleep in the day either, just like Shorter.”

“Oh,” Ash exhaled heavily, eyelids fluttering as if they were tempted by Eiji’s non-negotiable offer.

“If anything happens, I will wake you up.” Eiji promised. He held his pinky out to Ash, tapping it against Ash’s bicep so he would notice it.

“Willing to risk your pinky for it?” Ash joked, raising an eyebrow. The playful look dropped from his face when he saw Eiji’s serious look, pinky still outstretched. They shared the same fierce look they had back at the prison, when Ash was giving Eiji a life-or-death mission to complete.

In a way, it was the same. Ash’s life and well-being was ultimately on the line.

“You can have all of me, not just my finger.” Eiji vowed.

Ash nodded slowly, gaze drifting from the road over to Eiji every few seconds. Eventually, he reached out and looped his right pinky around Eiji’s, accepting his vow, and rested their hands together on the center console. Eiji was surprised that Ash chose to hold the touch, his left hand on the wheel and his gaze fixed forward once again.

“We should open the windows.” Eiji suggested, feeling bold with Ash’s hand over his. “It will help you stay awake and get rid of the ocean smell.”

Ash squeezed his pinky just a fraction tighter before releasing it all together. “Not yet.” He said, jaw tensing.

“Okay,” Eiji nodded slowly, watching Ash’s face closely to try and pick up any emotions he may let slip in the relative safety of the dark. He didn’t see any, despite the tension in his jaw and a far-off look in his eyes, but Ash was used to working in the dark. “Then I will keep you awake until we get coffee. Coffee is very good for getting rid of bad smells, especially when cooking.”

“What?” Ash gave Eiji a quick side-eye, the tension melting from his face at the change of subject. “Are you putting coffee in your food?”

“No! it is just to prevent odor.” Eiji explained with a laugh. “But we do make foods with coffee! Coffee jelly is a very good dessert.”

“Coffee jelly? Like, coffee-flavored Jell-O?” Ash clarified. At Eiji’s nod he stuck his tongue out and scrunched up his face in disgust. “That’s gross!”

“It is good!” Eiji argued. “You Americans drink coffee all the time, why should you not have it as a dessert?”

“We don’t drink it because it tastes good! We drink it for the caffeine!” Ash huffed, face going red at the prospect of eating a coffee Jell-O concoction. Eiji snorted at his frustration, glad to have succeeded in distracting Ash. “I’m rolling the windows down so I can’t listen to more of your weird food items!” Ash declared, the sound of the wind hitting the partially-open window drowning out the end of his sentence.

Eiji followed suit, opening his window with a smile on his face.

The permeated salty breeze blew out the window, replaced by the clear air of a Midwest highway at midnight. Eiji nearly stuck his head out the window, letting the wind whip his hair around and dry the sweat he hadn’t known was forming on his brow. Sometimes he felt unbearably warm when he was with Ash, like his entire face was turning red.

Ash laughed at the bird’s nest Eiji had when he pulled his head back in, tugging lightly at the stiff black strands at the nape of Eiji’s neck. “You asked for the windows rolled down.” He teased. “Should’ve put a hat on first.”

“The air is nice! Much stronger than running.” Eiji smiled brightly up at him, beaming when Ash’s lips quirked up even further. He could have stared at Ash’s nearly-smiling face for ages, if Ash hadn’t had to turn away and watch the road.

“Look,” Ash nudged Eiji’s shoulder, pulling him out of his thoughts, and pointed out the windshield towards a lit-up twenty-four-hour sign.

“A coffee shop!”

 

* * *

 

_I might get to too much talking, I might have to tell you something_

_Bump. Bump. Bump._

The truck rolled to a stop on the side of the highway, somewhere in the Midwest, with a half-full tank of gas and two empty coffee cups rattling in the cupholders. The sun was still rising behind them, blinding Ash from where it reflected off his rearview mirror.

Eiji hopped out of the truck and stretched, joints cracking as he relieved them of his stiffness. Ash watched him before turning the engine off and getting out of the truck. He missed having solid ground beneath him, but they had at least one more day of driving ahead of them before they could stop.

“Go get Max.” Ash requested, walking around the front of the truck to steal the passenger side Eiji had vacated. He rested his head against the back of the seat and let his eyes flutter shut, waiting for the heavy sound of Max’s footsteps to announce the next driver’s arrival.

Instead, he felt a light tug on his shirt.

Eiji stood in the door’s opening, Ash’s wrinkled shirt pressed between his thumb and forefinger. “Come with me.” Eiji pouted, tugging harder. “You sat up front yesterday, too.”

“I promise I’ll take a nap, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Ash had started feeling cranky about twenty minutes ago, which made it hard for him to control his tone as the caffeine wore off and sleep deprivation snuck in. He wouldn’t be surprised if the reason Eiji’s brown eyes roamed his face was to examine the dark bags most likely forming under his eyes, emphasized by the heavy shadows present at dawn. Still, Ash’s pride had forced him to wait until Eiji suggested taking a break before pulling off the road, hiding his yawns behind his hand.

“You didn’t sleep yesterday when you were up front.” How Eiji could confidently say that without having been there was probably less of a mystery than it should be, given his current state. “You will sleep better in the dark.”

Ash wasn’t quite sure about that, but it was clear that Eiji wasn’t giving him a choice in the matter. Reluctantly, Ash let Eiji pull him out of his seat and towards the back of the truck.

Ibe was already awake, fiddling with his camera in the dark while he waited for the driver switch. He nodded when their faces poked through the canvas, nudging Max awake. “It’s our turn, Max.”

Max took a few minutes to wake up before he was following Ibe over Shorter’s sleeping body and out of the truck. He seemed surprised to see that Ash wasn’t joining him in the cab but didn’t say anything about it when Ash glared at him. Eiji climbed into the vacancy in the back of the truck, waiting for Ash to follow him before enclosing them in darkness.

“Here, a pillow.” Ash snatched a discarded sweatshirt off the floor and tossed it at Eiji’s face. His eyes were already half-closed, but he refused to admit he was tired.

“You should use it, Ash. You are going to sleep.” Eiji’s tone was firm but gentle. He bundled up the sweatshirt and placed it on the ground seconds before Ash’s head dropped. “Go to sleep, Ash. Shorter and I will watch.” There was humor in his eyes at he pointed towards Shorter, who was fast asleep and snoring between Eiji and the back of the truck.

Sleep came easy—which surprised Ash—but it came in waves, a result of his mental strength telling him not to let his guard down while on the run while his body relaxed under Eiji’s gentle watch. He knew he could trust Eiji, and he knew he could trust Shorter once the man finally decided to wake up.

Waking up the first time was the worst. His throat was dry and he had slept on his hand, which was starting to go numb. His head also throbbed, a sure sign he needed even more sleep than however much he had managed to get. But then he saw Eiji, faithfully awake and facing towards him, leaning against the side of the truck bed and looking at pictures on Ibe’s camera.

“Oh, Ash!” Somehow, Eiji had noticed him and tilted the camera down so Ash could see the picture. “Look at this picture of Shorter sleeping!” Shorter was still asleep, somewhere behind the crest of Eiji’s legs, and unable to defend himself from the picture of him sleeping—most likely with his mouth wide open—that had probably been taken by Ibe. Ash found he couldn’t stay awake long enough to focus on the picture, let alone make fun of him.

Waking up the second time was far nicer, in Ash’s opinion. His head felt clearer and his vision was less blurry, but his throat was still dry. Shorter was awake now too, sitting up next to Eiji and talking in a hushed tone.

Like he sensed Ash was awake, Eiji reached for a half-empty water bottle and opened it before he even turned to face Ash. He pushed it to Ash’s lips before letting Ash take control of the bottle. “Careful, you don’t want to spill.” He caringly warned. Ash nodded mindlessly, tilting his head up and taking a few grateful gulps to wash down the stale taste in his mouth.

“Eiji, it’s your turn now.” Shorter’s voice boomed in Ash’s head, although he couldn’t quite process the meaning behind it. His head was still resting on the hood of the red sweatshirt and his eyes fluttered shut far too soon for his liking.

Waking up for the third time was... _new_.

Ash let his mind recover for a few second before opening his eyes and attempting to focus on the image in front of him. Eiji’s head was resting on the part of the sweatshirt that Ash wasn’t using, facing Ash and _so close_ that Ash wondered how he hadn’t noticed when Eiji had chosen to lie next to him. His cheek was pressed against the floor and his lips parted slightly with each deep and even breath, ruffling the tips of Ash’s hair due to their proximity. Ash felt his breath hitch, lips parting in a silent gasp as his eyes adjusted to the sight of an angel.

Shorter chuckled, jerking Ash out of his thoughts.

Ash shot him a glare on the first try, a massive improvement from earlier, when Eiji had shown him a picture and all he could make out was a shock of purple hair. It was clear that Eiji had been right about him needing sleep, a fact Ash could only admit since Eiji was currently asleep himself. Shorter just smirked back at him, scribbling Chinese characters on a piece of paper; a letter to send to Nadia.

Sometimes Ash wished he had someone like that. Someone to send a letter to, someone to worry about where he was.

It was silly for him to think like that.

He had Shorter and his gang, that was all he needed. His gang undoubtedly needed him to lead, and Shorter needed an equal. Ash needed an equal as well, one who opened his doors and shared his family, giving Ash a taste of what he would never have just to keep him going a little longer.

Eiji shifted in his sleep, breaking Ash from his thoughts. He turned onto his back, his full leg pressing against Shorter’s but his face even closer to Ash’s. Ash was at liberty to study him up-close, to take in the smoothness of his skin and fullness of his lashed and the small pout he made in his dreams. It made waking up the third time the best time.

Ash’s mouth fell loosely open like he was going to say something, hand inching forward like he wanted to touch, but he snapped his jaw shut and dropped his hand back down once he remembered himself.

Shorter chuckled again, drawing Ash’s attention. “I think he cares about you, just like I do.”

_Just like I do._

Ash could go on just a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, the original version of this chapter ended with the implication that both Ash and Shorter hold a _special_ interest in Eiji. While I'm still a huge ashoreiji fan, I did end up changing it because I thought this was a little smoother! (This was also the second hardest chapter for me to write xD but I think it's the longest)
> 
> Check back next week for the next chapter! And check me out on [tumblr](https://candysams.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/candysamstwit) for updates!


	3. Stay Here With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You brought flowers.” Eiji was sure they hadn’t been there when he fell asleep.  
> Ash was still turned away from Eiji, his standing height just barely too tall for his expression to show up in the mirror’s reflection. Still, Eiji was able to see the back of his neck flush and giggled again, admiring the red blush next to the red roses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one day behind, much better than I was anticipating! This was one of the hardest chapters for me to write, but once it was written the editing was the easiest! ^.^ enjoy!

_I knew from the first time, I’d stay for a long time_

Eiji had walked into the police station at twelve-thirty, right at the start of Charlie’s lunch break. He walked out less than ten minutes later with a pleased smile on his face as a guilt-ridden Charlie made some phone calls.

It had taken less than ten minutes for Charlie to crack and give Eiji what he wanted: a second chance to visit Ash. Charlie had told him it was against protocol for anyone except family and lawyers to visit a criminal in the hospital, but Eiji had come prepared to debate. He put a sad look on his face and moaned about his kidnapping; how the police had left Eiji’s life in the hands of a gang leader and a child, how Ash and Skipper had protected him, how one was being sent to jail without a trial and the other was six feet under. Charlie had still been on the fence about granting Eiji special permission, the threat of Jenkins having his head preventing him from giving in easily, but Eiji held a trump card in his hands.

The only time Eiji had been permitted to see Ash since his hospitalization had been a ploy by the police department in order to draw out Ash’s tragic backstory. Eiji had merely been a pawn reduced to tears by the story and unable to properly thank the man who had saved him.

Needless to say, Eiji was en route to the hospital with a small skip in his step and a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

Eiji let the current officer-on-duty check his ID and lightly pat his pockets before following him towards Ash’s private room. He waited outside while the guard knocked on the door and made sure Ash wasn’t in the middle of a checkup. “Mr. Lynx, you have a visitor.”

“Tell Charlie to go away!” Ash was clearly disgruntled at his situation, facing out the window as the guard opened the door to let Eiji in. He turned at the sound of footsteps, his gaze turning from annoyed to confused to pleased in the span of a few seconds. “Eiji, what are you doing here?” A small smile tugged intermittently at his lips, like he couldn’t believe he had a visitor that wasn’t here to poke him with needles or prod him for a confession.

“Hi, Ash.” Eiji kept his distance at first, wondering if the officer was going to stay in the room with them. The officer, to his surprise, chose to give them privacy to speak.

Not that Ash could do much, with his left wrist handcuffed to the frame of his bed.

“How the hell did you manage this?” Ash lightly teased, pushing himself into an attentive sitting position. It was a far cry from the resigned, spaced position Eiji had glimpsed as the door opened.

“I went to the police station and told Charlie it was unfair that I could not see you.” Eiji replied. “I wanted to thank you.” He held out both hands and bowed, presenting the yellow and purple bouquet for Ash to take.

Ash lifted an eyebrow curiously, cautiously reaching out his free hand to take the flowers. The metal cuff jingled against the bedframe, as if he tried to move his other hand before remembering he couldn’t. “Oh, so you aren’t trying to woo me with pretty flowers?” He mimicked a swoon, clutching the flowers to his chest like a damsel in distress.

Eiji felt his cheeks turn pink, crossing his arms over his chest and avoiding Ash’s gaze. “I was told red roses were for love, but yellow roses are for friendship. And the purple flowers are for recovery.”

“Verbena.” Ash helpfully supplied, wide eyes admiring the bouquet in his hands. “Verbena for a quick recovery.” He rested the tip of a blooming rose petal on one of his pale fingers, examining the unfamiliar texture. “You know, no one’s ever given me flowers.” Ash murmured, still captivated by the colors and textures in the bouquet. “They give me clothes, cars, jewelry, fine wines, but never flowers.”

“No one’s ever saved my life before.” Eiji evenly replied. They locked eyes for a curious moment, before Ash shifted on the bed and motioned for Eiji to sit on the small space he had made. “I thought you deserved more, but this is the best I could do. So, thank you, Ash, please accept my gratitude.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been thanked this formally, either.” Ash lightly joked.

“They should thank you more often.” Eiji insisted, giving Ash a serious look. Ash eventually relented, the fake mirth disappearing off his face.

“You’re welcome, Eiji.” He finally said, fingers roaming through the flowers like he wanted to touch every single one and admire it individually. “And thank you, too. I might be going to jail, but it’s better than going to the morgue.”

“Don’t joke like that!” Eiji swatted him, causing Ash to burst into laughter.

It was nice to hear him laugh, despite his circumstances. After hearing about his past, Eiji wondered just how many of his smiles had to be faked, how many moments of happiness had been stolen from him. Eiji would bring him a million flowers if it meant one moment of happiness, one moment to spite the bandages on his face and scars on his past.

“’Please accept my gratitude.’” Ash mocked, his grip on the flower stems tightening. “And do me a favor, will you?”

“Of course, anything!” Eiji quickly said, leaning forward earnestly. Ash’s eyes widened at the sudden proximity between their faces, distracted for a second before directing his gaze back towards the flowers.

“I do like the flowers, but I’ll be gone before I can properly enjoy them.” Ash honestly said, the hint of disappointment in his voice reminding Eiji why he hadn’t brought a vase with him. Ash didn’t have much time left in the hospital, and he was considered too dangerous to be allowed glass or silverware. “Jenkins told me that some of my boys are in this hospital. Marvin’s guys fucked them up pretty good, enough to land some of them in the hospital. They’re not being charged with anything, but most of them don’t have anyone to visit them.”

Eiji smiled, understanding Ash’s request without him fully voicing it. It could only be expected of a selfless man like Ash Lynx to think about his crew when he was being incarcerated. “I think that is a great idea.”

Ash seemed relieved that he agreed readily instead of being offended, relinquishing the flowers back over to Eiji. He reached over to the side table with his other hand, the cuff digging into his skin just a little before his fingers closed around a notecard with a few scribbles on it. “These are their room numbers, if they’re still here.”

“I will make sure they get them.” Eiji assured him, gently resting his hand on Ash’s covered knee for a second. Ash’s green eyes widened again, staring at Eiji’s hand before finally smiling at the gesture.

A small knock on the door signaled the end of their conversation. Eiji rose from the bed, reaching into the bouquet and freeing a single yellow rose with a couple surrounding flowers. He pressed these into Ash’s open palm, closing his fingers around them.

“My first delivery.” Eiji grinned widely, pleased at his own cheesiness.

“You’re too good to me, Eiji.” Ash replied, twirling the stems of the few flowers he held in his hand.

Eiji paused at the open door, looking over his shoulder at Ash. Ash held the flowers right under his nose, an almost-dreamy expression on his face. “I disagree. You deserve better, Ash.”

Ash’s eyebrows nearly rose to his hairline before he laughed off his shock. “What am I going to do when you’re gone, Eiji?”

“Nothing.” Eiji confidently replied. He already knew that he couldn’t leave such a strong, caring, intelligent man to the cruel fate that seemed to be his to bear. “I’ll be back, Ash. Always.”

* * *

 

 

_Stay awhile, stay here with me, lay here with me_

Eiji woke up at the sound of the door creaking open, the light from the hallway streaming in far enough to fall over his left eye. He peaked one eye open just enough to glare at the light entering the room and disturbing his sleep. Originally, he had wanted to stay awake until Ash came to visit him, but it was clear after a couple hours that Ash wasn’t coming back anytime soon and Eiji’s painkillers only made it harder for him to stay awake. Eiji had only agreed to rest to hopefully stop the pain throbbing in his arm where the bullet had grazed him. It wasn’t the worst injury he had ever suffered, at least. He would be fine if he could just rest.

Ash probably dealt with worse on a daily basis.

“Shit.” That was definitely Ash cursing under his breath, those were his footsteps drawing closer as the door fell shut again. Eiji let his eye fall shut once the room was dark again, the painkillers in his system attempting to lull him back to sleep. He might’ve given in to the temptation, but then he felt Ash grab onto his right hand and decided to stay awake just a little longer.

When he felt something wet drop onto his wrist, his eyes flew open.

It took him a moment to register that the sudden drop of wetness rolling down his hand came from Ash, it was a _tear_. It took all his willpower to fight off the sleep he craved in order to twitch his hand and shift his head, trying to let Ash know he was awake.

“Ash,” Eiji mumbled, his mouth as dry as cotton, “you came.”

“Eiji! You’re awake!” Ash was clearly surprised, dropping Eiji’s hand onto the bed like it was a hot potato. His eyes were red and rimmed with tears, which he quickly wiped away on his sleeve. “Here, you should drink something.” Ash reached for the water bottle that had been left on the nightstand, uncapping it and propping Eiji’s head up so he could drink without spilling.

Eiji gulped the water down, some of it dribbling down his chin despite Ash’s efforts. It seemed to reassure Ash when he giggled, sticking out his chin for Ash to dry with his sleeve. The relaxed look on Ash’s face only lasted for another moment before it turned concerned—and a little guilty.

“I wondered when you would come. I tried to wait for you.” Eiji’s words only seemed to make Ash feel guiltier, the blond turning pointedly away from Eiji and taking off his jacket. He left it on the dresser a couple of feet away, Eiji’s gaze tracking his movements. His eyes fell on the vase of red roses next to Ash’s discarded jacket, the reflection in the dresser mirror making the bouquet look bigger than it was. “You brought flowers.” Eiji was sure they hadn’t been there when he fell asleep.

Ash was still turned away from Eiji, his standing height just barely too tall for his expression to show up in the mirror’s reflection. Still, Eiji was able to see the back of his neck flush and giggled again, admiring the red blush next to the red roses.

“Bones brought them.”

“You told Bones to buy them.” Eiji countered. He couldn’t help but embarrass Ash, watching his fair skin turn a lovely shade of red and considering it penance for waiting so long before visiting. The flowers did make up for that, a little. “I want to see them.”

Ash quickly obeyed his request, grabbing the vase and placing it on the nightstand next to Eiji’s bed. Eiji immediately shifted on the bed, inching closer to the bouquet. “There’s no thorns, that way a klutz like you can’t prick yourself.” Ash finally cracked a smile to match what remained of his blush.

“They’re beautiful.” Eiji reached out slowly with his good arm, brushing his fingertips lightly over the closest petals. “I like them very much. Thank you, Ash.”

“Don’t thank me for getting you into this mess.” Ash sighed, taking a seat on the side of the bed Eiji was no longer occupying. He hunched over himself, arms resting on his knees and blond hair falling into his face. “You should hate me by now, with how many times you’ve been hurt.”

“I do not care if I am hurt as long as you are safe.” Eiji honestly said. He reached out again, this time with his injured arm, fingertips brushing the soft locks of Ash’s hair away from his face and tucking them behind his ear. That way, Ash couldn’t hide his true feelings.

Eiji could tell if he was lying, anyway.

Ash looked over his shoulder, eyes glassy with tears. “I let you stay because I’m selfish. I didn’t want to let you go.” Ash choked on his own words, sitting up straight in order to properly face Eiji. “I can’t protect you anymore, Eiji! This is becoming bigger than just me and Dino and the Lee family. You should leave while you can.” His voice broke, face crumbling until he was crying into his hands again.

“This isn’t your fault, Ash.” Eiji felt tears coming to his eyes, thinking about all the secrets Ash wasn’t telling him, how much he must be dealing with alone. “You aren’t selfish for letting me stay, I’m selfish for choosing to stay. You and the others risk your life to protect me, and that is not fair.”

“Eiji—I don’t think you’re selfish.”

“I’m selfish because I don’t want to leave!” Eiji exclaimed, lunging forward in bed to grab onto the back of Ash’s shirt with his good hand. “I don’t want to leave you! Please don’t make me leave you, I don’t want you to be alone!”

It was rare for Eiji to have outbursts, even when his father was admitted to the hospital or his doctor declared the injury to be career-ending. He always bottled up his emotions and dealt with them himself, but he was seeing now why it was a bad idea. It had eaten away at his core for a year before Ibe had pulled him away from his past. He wanted to be that for Ash, to pull him away before he became lost.

He was Ash’s rock, but Ash had become his as well.

“If selfish means I get to stay with you, just a little longer,” Eiji sniffled, blinking away tears to try and read Ash’s face. He sat completely still, cheeks stained with drying tears and wide green eyes locked on Eiji as he continued with, “then is being selfish really so bad?”

“Eiji, I don’t want you to get hurt.” Ash reached out, cupping Eiji’s face in his hands and wiping away his tears with his thumbs. Eiji felt his sudden burst of energy disappear, growing boneless under Ash’s careful touch.

“I want this.” Eiji confidently replied. He met Ash’s gaze with an intense look, the best he could give as his energy was slowly sapped away by painkillers. “I want to stay with you for the rest of my life.”

Ash’s face was oh-so-close to his and shining with something Eiji could only describe as hope. Ash inched his way forward and Eiji did the same, eyelids fluttering closed.

They met in the middle, like two pieces of a puzzle. Ash’s hand rested on the back of his head, giving him the strength to hold himself up long enough to enjoy the kiss. Ash’s lips were soft and warm, brushing gently against his own chapped ones and sharing just a little bit of their softness. It felt like it lasted forever but was over too soon, Eiji pulling back first as a wave of tiredness crashed over him. Ash gently lowered him back down onto the bed, pulling the blanket up to his neck to keep him warm.

“Stay, please.” Eiji mumbled, reaching out blindly to grab a hold on anything. He found Ash’s hand, soft and reassuring, and tugged it towards his chest.

“Okay, I’ll stay.” Eiji felt Ash settle onto the bed next to him, lying down on top of the blanket. “Just until you wake up again, and then I have somewhere I need to be.” Eiji nodded his consent, curling himself around Ash’s warm presence. Every nerve in his body seemed to relax with the knowledge that Ash was the warm body next to him, and he wasn’t leaving just yet.

And Eiji will never have to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is picking up a little bit :0  
> Also, we finally reached 8K! Woohoo!  
> This was the last chapter I wrote out of the four and I realized that they hadn't kissed at all in the story, so after some debate I decided to add it in!  
> Come yell at me in the comments, or on [tumblr](https://candysams.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/candysamstwit)!  
> The second half of next week's chapter has GoL spoilers, so be prepared!


	4. I Like Me Better When I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up to the sound of Ash snoring, tangled up in the sheets of the bed next to him. Waiting for him to come home at night, the light on and the TV humming in the background. Holding Ash after a rough day, leeching the pain out of him and freeing the loveliest person Eiji had ever met from the weight of the world he bore on his shoulders.  
> Eiji would do it again in a heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! In case you haven't read the updated tags/last chapter's note/forgot because this update is two weeks late, the second half of this chapter will have minimal GoL spoilers! If you don't like it, don't read the second half! Thanks!

_To not know who I am but still know that I’m good long as you’re here with me_

Surveying Dino’s building next door was mostly busy work, Eiji knew. Sure, Ash passed the photos of the high-profiled politicians greeting Dino like an old friend to Max for future evidence, but Ash didn’t need that information. Ash was already intimately aware of how deep the corruption ran and how hard it would be to prove the pictures meant something scandalous. He just wanted Eiji hidden and safe, high above Dino’s office and away from any fights Ash encountered on the streets.

Without further proof, it was just a bunch of politicians meeting with a wealthy philanthropist, and there was nothing illegal about that.

Usually, Eiji only camped out to take pictures during the day when Ash wasn’t home. Tonight, however, he couldn’t sleep and found himself in the dimly lit office, taking a near-constant stream of photos of a seemingly random midnight rendezvous.

Eiji might not have noticed the quiet sound of Ash’s footsteps if the teen hadn’t opened the office door wider, letting light from the hallway stream in and announce his presence. Eiji let out a quiet hum in greeting but did not turn away from his camera, keeping up the steady _click-click-click_  of his camera as Dino and his new guest disappeared inside. He only looked up once they were gone and Ash’s hand failed to reach his shoulder like it usually would have.

In the window’s reflection, Eiji could see Ash stuck in the office doorway, eyes clenched shut and fingers gripping the doorframe tightly. When Eiji turned, he could see Ash’s chest shake as he struggled to breathe.

“Ash, what’s wrong?” Eiji left his camera on its tripod and hurried to the doorway, hands hovering over Ash’s chest but not touching. “Breathe, Ash, you need to breathe! You are safe here, it’s just me.” Eiji tried to stay calm for Ash, keeping his voice level when he spoke. He waited for Ash to take in a strong breath before daring to touch him, firmly gripping his biceps to provide some stability. “It’s okay, Ash. I’m here for you.”

“I-I came to find you.” Ash’s arms relaxed under Eiji’s touch, his hands releasing the doorframe and falling loosely by his side. Still, tension thrummed through his body and it was visible despite the stoic mask he tried to put up. “I woke up and you were gone. I should’ve known better.” He spoke carefully, each breath so strictly controlled that the words could barely escape his mouth.

“Was it the camera?” Ash nodded, almost imperceptibly. “It’s okay, Ash. You were fine with Ibe-san’s camera before, this just caught you by surprise.” Eiji began moving his hands up and down, hoping he could rub the tension out of Ash’s body.

“I’m okay now.” Ash quietly assured him, although he let Eiji guide him towards the chair behind the desk. The light from the hallway left a vertical stripe across his left cheek and hair, casting the rest of his face in shadow. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened to me there.”

“Do not apologize for something you can’t control.” Eiji firmly said. “You do not have good memories with cameras, that is not your fault.” He left Ash’s side for a second, detaching the camera from the tripod and setting it on the desk with the screen facing Ash. “Here, try taking a picture of me.”

Ash looked at the camera like it was a pumpkin, subtly leaning away from it as if the distance would make him feel safer. “Why?”

“You should not be scared of the camera if you are the one taking pictures.” Eiji explained. “Try taking a picture of me.” He plopped down in the other chair by the desk, tucking his feet up under him.

Ash was clearly hesitant about the validity of this idea, but he eventually reached for the camera and held it in front of his face. He took a moment to get used to the viewfinder before pointing it directly at Eiji. Eiji smiled for him, waiting for the tell-tale flash of light to temporarily blind him.

 _Click_.

“That’s…it?” Ash turned the camera around to show Eiji his work. The picture was slightly out of focus and Eiji’s eyes were closed, but it was clear that Eiji didn’t dislike having his picture taken by Ash.

“Just like that.” Eiji nodded, settling back in his chair. “Try another one; this time, twist the camera lens to focus.”

Ash picked the camera back up, his hands much steadier as he turned the lens before taking the picture. Eiji saw spots for a second, but it was clear the picture on the camera screen was a happy, healthy Eiji. Being able to see an unaffected Eiji also seemed to calm Ash’s nerves, returning his iron will and easy confidence. Eiji smiled at the visible change, reaching over to change the camera’s setting.

“Now try holding down the shutter. It will take more than one picture.” Eiji instructed, settling back in his chair. He waited for the flash to turn on before sticking his tongue out and pulling the lower lid of his eye down with his middle finger.

Ash had stiffened at the string of clicking noises but relaxed immediately when he saw the face Eiji was making. Eiji showed him how to look through the series of silly photos displaying him in motion. Ash laughed even more when he saw Eiji’s purple tongue, a result of him grabbing a jolly rancher before he grabbed his camera.

“You can take a picture of me now, if you want.” Ash said, holding the camera out. He no longer looked like the camera was a hot potato, rather, he gave it up in peace. “I think I’m ready.”

Ibe had already taken a few photos of Ash with the boy’s permission, but only under strict orders not to capture his face. Now, Ash was giving Eiji permission to take his portrait.

Probably the only time he had ever given permission for his likeness to be immortalized by a camera.

Eiji gratefully accepted the camera back and immediately turned the shutter off. He looked through the lens at Ash, who was nervously twiddling his thumbs and avoiding the camera’s heavy gaze. He needed a distraction from the camera, something to prevent his breath from hitching and his eyes from glazing over in a last-ditch effort to protect himself.

“You’re really brave, Ash.” At the sound of his name, Ash immediately directed his attention to Eiji, a surprised look on his face. “I have never seen anyone fight like you do. Not just physically, but mentally. You are too stubborn to ever give in, and I admire that about you.”

Ash fidgeted in his chair, the vertical strip of light that had highlighted his cheekbones shifting to line up across his left eye, making the subtle green hues glow. Even as the hallway light threatened to blind him, Ash kept his eyes open and focused on Eiji’s lips, the only part of his face that wasn’t covered by the camera. “You’re strong too, Eiji.” His voice was quiet, breathless, but in a good way. _Awe_. “You can fly.”

“You fly too Ash, just in a different way.” Eiji remarked. He smiled, admiring the way the artificial light highlighted the smooth paleness of Ash’s skin and the fair color of his eyelashes. Ash looked very pretty, in person and on camera. “I don’t know what I would do if I had never met you. I wish you could understand that.”

 _Click_.

Ash’s eyes were blown wide, a dusting of pink coating his cheeks. He quickly turned away from the camera, pouting at the window and bringing his hand up to nonchalantly cover his face. With another soft _click_ , Eiji captured that shot too.

“This is how I see you, Ash.” Eiji turned the camera around, displaying the first picture on the small screen. Ash looked relaxed and happy and maybe a little embarrassed, green eyes sparkling from the light and the compliments. Ash couldn’t help but chuckle as he inspected his own face. Eiji would bet he had never seen a photo of himself that wasn’t his mugshot, if he even got to see that as he was incarcerated.

“I guess my eyelashes really are that blond, huh?” Ash finally said, still staring in wonder at the picture. Curious, like a boy seeing himself in the mirror for the first time, unable to believe that was his reflection.

That was how Eiji saw him.

“I’m going to frame this in the living room.” Eiji cheekily said, snatching away the camera and hurrying for the door.

“Over my dead body!”

 

* * *

 

_I like me better when I’m with you_

“Okumura-san?”

Eiji blinked his eyes open, groaning at the stiffness in his joints. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep in the armchair of his study, and it looked like even Buddy had deemed it too late and abandoned him in favor of a warm bed. It was Akira who had woken him up, standing nervously in the doorway.

“Aki-chan, what are you doing up?” Eiji covered a yawn with his hand, glancing at the time on the clock. “It’s late, you should be sleeping. We have to go back to New York tomorrow.”

“I wanted to ask you something.” Akira drifted towards him slowly, leaving her hand on the doorframe until the very last second. “Your bedroom door was open, so I thought you would be in here.” She glanced around the room, spying more clutter than she probably remembered seeing before going to bed.

“I’m surprised I’m still in here too.” Eiji joked, clearing off space on the chair next to him. “Come sit and I’ll answer your question.”

Akira obeyed his request, crossing the room to take a seat next to him. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, pointedly looking at the floor instead of at Eiji. He gave her space to think, stretching in his own seat as he waited for her to gather up enough courage. His joints popped, signaling he wasn’t as young as he had been when he was doing cross-country trips in a cramped pickup truck.

“How did you know you were in love, Okumura-san?”

Akira’s question was startlingly honest, quickly chasing the grogginess from Eiji’s sleep-addled brain. His surprise must have shown on his face, because Akira immediately turned away from him with a blush staining her cheeks. “Never mind, you don’t have to answer.”

Eiji caught her arm as she passed by him, attempting to escape the room. “It’s okay, Aki-chan. I’ll answer it.” Sometimes kids had weird and invasive questions like this one, Eiji knew it was just the normal curiosity of a child. He also knew that Sing was apparently unable to keep his mouth shut about Eiji’s past personal life.

When Eiji had been younger, he had been too focused on pole vaulting and his father’s illness to even notice the time passing, his friends pairing up and going on dates and falling in love. He didn’t care until much later, when the train he rode in his one-track mind completely derailed and left him stranded. Akira, with her parents’ constant fighting and the dark cloud of puberty looming over her, was going to be thrust into the dirty business of love at a younger age than Eiji.

“I didn’t think about love when I was your age, to be honest.” Eiji said. “Even when I was a teenager, I didn’t like to think about love. It didn’t matter, until it suddenly became everything to me.” He had wallowed in grief for years, surrounded himself with ghosts, mourned the dead as if it were a fresh wound, but he didn’t like to consider that _love_. Love should be a lot nicer than that.

To him, love was easy. Loving Ash had been easy.

The sacrifices that came with it had been hard. Seeing Ash hurt and being helpless to protect him, pretending he was asleep when Ash jolted awake in the middle of the night, watching Ash walk away from him with a thin lie and knowing he could never follow. It had burned Eiji to his very core, scarred something in him that would last long after his gunshot wound faded, but it had been so easy. It had hit Eiji like a bullet before he ever even heard the gun fire.

“Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between romantic and platonic love, or you fall in love without even noticing it and have to look back to find that point in time when you fell.”

Waking up to the sound of Ash snoring, tangled up in the sheets of the bed next to him. Waiting for him to come home at night, the light on and the TV humming in the background. Holding Ash after a rough day, leeching the pain out of him and freeing the loveliest person Eiji had ever met from the weight of the world he bore on his shoulders.

Eiji would do it again in a heartbeat.

But he couldn’t say any of that. Not to a young girl who didn’t understand love, who had a crush on the star of her uncle’s photographs. Instead, he deflected, hoping to buy himself enough time to come up with a partial truth that would suffice until morning. A partial truth that could convince himself. “Why are you asking me?”

That was a dumb question. She picked him because he was the only adult on hand besides Sing, who was still a stranger to her. Her parents were fighting, talking about divorce; she would never know if they were really in love or if they lied for her benefit. Ibe was thousands of miles away in Japan, with little experience in love himself. This was a question she would only have the courage to ask once, and Eiji had answered it with a stupid question.

“Well,” Akira’s eyes ventured around the room, brushing over everything that wasn’t Eiji’s face, her cheeks turning pink. She didn’t see his eyebrow twitch when her gaze landed on the projector, his shoulders just barely relaxing as she turned her gaze to the vase of fake flowers on a side table instead. “Sing told me that you and this Ash person were like lovers, soulmates, something like that. I guess I wanted to know how it felt.” She shrugged her shoulders, resting her chin on her bony knees.

Ah, Sing. He had grown bigger, and so had his mouth. Eiji wondered if his foot would fit in it. “ _Something like that_.” Eiji echoed. “Love is complicated. More than you can imagine.” Eiji let his eyes flutter shut, picturing Sing leaving him in the streets of New York in favor of chasing after Yut-Lung. And now he spent his life chasing after Eiji, making sure he is okay.

Someone should check on him, someday.

“So, you did love him.” Akira didn’t sound as surprised as Eiji had expected, but he assumed it was because this wasn’t news to her anymore.

“I did. I do, and I will never stop.” Eiji confirmed. Saying it out loud was freeing, as if a weight had been lifted from his chest. He only wished he could have said it to Ash, just once. He was sure Ash knew, but it would have been nice to say it out loud. “Love hurts, sometimes. People break up or get divorced, people can get sick and die, and there isn’t much you can do about it. But love is also amazing. You find a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone you will never get tired of. You feel their pain and their triumph, and you would do anything for them.”

“That sounds complicated.”

“It is.” Eiji laughed, reaching over to ruffle her hair. “It is hard, and it hurts me sometimes. But there are so many good things that can come out of a loving relationship. I met Sing, I chose to become a photographer, and now I’m opening a gallery exhibition in the city we met in. Love is the good and the bad, but mostly the good.” His eyes drifted over to the projector, remembering what he had been doing before falling asleep in the armchair. “Here, let me show you.”

Akira didn’t seem that surprised when the projector whirred to life and Ash’s glowing form was suddenly blown up against the wall. Sing must have slipped her a picture, or maybe just an in-depth description. Luckily, her bitter gaze brightened up when she spotted a younger version of him in the background of the photo. “Hey, that’s you!”

Eiji chuckled, nodding. “Your uncle took this picture during our first trip to New York.” He flipped to the next picture, another one of him and Ash, side-by-side. “That’s me, and that’s Ash.” They were lying in the shade of the tree, Eiji’s head thrown back in a laugh while Ash smiled at him. A rich, genuine smile.

He flipped the image again, only Ash appearing on the screen. He was sitting at the edge of a bathroom sink, shirtless, a scandalized look on his shaving cream-splattered face. Eiji had attempted to sneak up on him with his camera, despite Ash being perched in front of a mirror with an almost-perfect view of Eiji and his shenanigans. Yet, he hadn’t been able to see the handful of shaving cream Eiji carried behind his back, Eiji mentioned to Akira.

“You feel safe and comfortable around them.” Eiji mused, flipping through a few slides. He found that he couldn’t take his eyes off the various pictures of Ash being projected on the wall, even as Akira tore her gaze away from the pictures in favor of staring at him. “You would do anything to keep them safe.” A tear trickled down the side of his face, getting tangled in a spare strand of black hair. “Even when you’re apart, you wait for the day you can be reunited.”

Eiji had once waited too eagerly, even impatiently, for the day he could reunite with Ash. Now, he was more patient. Ash was not the only person in this world that he loved. He wasn’t ready to go just yet.

Ash wouldn’t want to see him so soon.

“Your heart skips a beat when you see them, sometimes even when you think of them, and you don’t always know why.” Eiji continued. “But once you figure it out, everything makes sense.” He sniffled, wiping the tear tracks from his face.

Akira appeared in front of him, blocking his view of the projection with a box of tissues.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, Okumura-san.” Akira looked _relieved_ , if anything. Like she had pieced together some sort of puzzle while Eiji turned into a whiny, dopey mess.

“It’s okay, Aki-chan.” Eiji crumpled the tissues easily in his hands, dabbing the wetness from his cheeks. “Ash has been gone for a long time, but I still love him.”

“And sometimes love makes you sad?” Akira guessed.

“Especially when the person you love gets hurt.” Eiji nodded. “Your parents would cry if anything ever happened to you, Aki-chan. I would too.”

“Thanks for talking to me, Okumura-san.” Akira wrapped her thin arms around him and squeezed, much tighter than her hug earlier in the day. Eiji sighed contently, patting her back with his tissue-free hand.

“You can visit me anytime, Aki-chan. I mean it.” Eiji ruffled her hair almost threateningly. “You better come visit me again or I’ll just have to go back to Japan and bring you here myself!”

“I’ll visit again, I promise!” Akira held out her pinky, and Eiji grinned as he looped his around hers. Akira darted towards the door, only stopping at the doorway when her speed caused her socks to slip on the hardwood floor. With her regained confidence, Eiji half expected her to confess the crush she had on him, which Sing had already detailed to him with his big mouth. He had figured it out himself, but he didn’t want to know what would happen if he was forced to turn her down.

She surprised him, as always.

“You never answered my question, Okumura-san.” Akira said, and Eiji realized she was right. “When did you fall in love with him?”

Eiji smiled, glancing up at the wall where Ash frowned down at him next to a pumpkin. “I don’t know for sure. There were a lot of little things, and then one day I woke up and he was next to me, staring at me with this look in his eyes. Like a kid in a candy store.” It was a small, quiet moment in the craziness that had been his life back then, but it had lasted the test of time. “I was probably giving him the same look. It was like we both realized simultaneously that there was no other person for us. I wanted to wake up next to him every day, I wanted to make him smile and comfort him when he was sad, and he wanted the same from me.”

“So, you didn’t really know?”

“Yes, I didn’t really know at the time that it was love. I had never been in love before.” Eiji confirmed, meeting Akira at the door and pinching her cheek gently for her sass. “But looking back on it, that was when I completely fell in love with him. There were a lot of little moments, but that one solidified it.”

“You just have to wait and see.”

“Exactly.” Eiji turned the projector off, the room growing dark without its artificial light cast against the wall. “Love will find you, and you will know.”

“That’s not as exciting as I thought it was.”

Eiji laughed wholeheartedly, giving Akira’s hair another ruffle before they parted ways in the hall. They must have been making some noise, as he saw Sing standing at the end of the hall, smiling at him behind Akira’s back. “I think I would rather you have a less exciting love story than one like mine. Love is unbearable to live without, but it will find you. It will find you where you least expect it, and it will not let you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, just about 12K! This chapter alone is nearly 4K!  
> In the long, long process of updating, I got rid of most of the angst in this chapter! I just re-read GoL and decided that Eiji was in a better place by the end, and I wanted to focus on that. He has no regrets.  
> Thanks to everyone for reading! Don't be afraid to comment or come talk to me about my work/BF/anything in general on [tumblr](https://candysams.tumblr.com/) and/or [twitter](https://twitter.com/candysamstwit)!


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